Wings and Leathers : A Commentary of an Archangel
by Original-Botticella
Summary: She is going on vacation with her girlfriends. And oddly, an archangel shows up to 'interview' her. I'll leave you tempararily hangin' on which angel i'm using. They talk about life, current affairs and age old questions. Even some unconventional ones.


_Ahem, this is a funny and humorous story - and oddly thought provoking. And here's the full summary : She is going on vacation with her girlfriends. And oddly, an archangel shows up to 'interview' her. I'll leave you tempararily hangin' on which angel i'm using. They talk about life, current affairs and age old questions. Even some unconventional ones. Warnings? : Laughter, mild language ... nothing too bad._

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**Wings and Leathers**

**A Commentary of an Archangel**

_By: Original-Botticella_

It was gettin' late. My friends and I decided a month back to take a vacation to the mountains of the Palmetto State. For those of you who don't know, that is the aka of South Carolina.

Firewood? – Check. Fluffy sleepin' bags? – check. Tents in case of rain? - check. Beer? – double check. Free pirated porn for us ladies? – whack check. Enough food for a weekend frat party? – cheesy check. And most importantly, bug spray? – zappin' bug check.

For an emergency, I have packed enough artillery to start a small war with bears and wolves. And supposed Lizard Men. **[1]**

The stage was set. A glorious, gluttonous weekend where no one will hear us scream from shameless orgasm from porn. No one will hear us munch and sloth on food like undignified cavemen.

A complete and utter shameless weekend is at hand! Men be damned!

We smelt like bug spray, sweat, beer, and she-jizz. It was all great. Howlin' at the moon as they say! Catholics and Puritans would think we were a bunch of heathen witches from our crackling glee around the fire.

It was all good until it came crashin' down. Time for bed. Who knows what time it is.

I decided to stay up a while longer. I'm not as grossly drunk and twitchy as the other girls. The alcohol was a faint buzz in my ears.

"Whoot-whoot" an owl. Typical.

"Snap-snap" a tree branch being broken. Whatever.

"Cheeir – che-cheeeir – " a grass-hopper. Eww.

"Whooph! Who_ooph_! Kir-kir – crunch – " crash. Okay, not typical. Don't tell me the Lizard Man likes drunk women! "Crunch – crunch – _crunch_ – " Oh hell, it is the Lizard Man!

I reached for my gun –

"You don't have to shoot me."

I felt Hannibal Lector pull my intestines out to make chitlins and sausages.

If I turned my head any faster than I did, I would have cracked it.

Okay, not what I expected from the Lizard Man. Alright, fine, it _wasn't_ the Lizard Man – you can calm yourselves down. It was a _man_. A tall, light-mocha colored; curly, red-haired; green-eyed man. With small scars around his narrow face. (I could have sworn there was a small mole at the left side of his nose.)

Most of all, he was a very sexy man in leather. I think I passed out from shock and I'm imagining this dude before me.

"Ugh. . . hi." I peeped. No reason to be rude.

"Hello human."

This human has a name, "It's Vanessa. And you?"

"Michael."

"Well, Michael. You lost? And why were you makin' all that noise?"

He rolled his eyes, "I had a rough landin'."

"No wonder, it's the middle of the night."

"Doesn't stop me."

"Obviously. Why were you, well, glidin'?"

I must have offended him because his face turned into a scowl, "I wasn't _gliding_, – I was _flying_."

Jeez, these paragliders take their sport seriously, but he wasn't decked-out in gear. "If you were . . . _flyin'; _where's your gear?"

"I don't need gear when I'm flying."

"Jeez, you're an extreme paraglider that's for sure."

I must have offended him again, "I am _not_ a paraglider. I flew in."

"Using what? Metal wings? No wonder you had a crash landing." I snorted.

He scowled again, "I'm through being delicate with you. I'm an angel you duffus. I flew using my wings. And trees aren't nice when you land."

I nearly pointed and hooted like he was a poisonous spider. Then, called the nearest asylum to see who lost their inmate. You wouldn't believe how hard it was to try and contain my mirth. I balled on the ground like I got kicked in the cunt. Tears rolling down because it hurt in a joyous way.

I was quickly sobered up when he grabbed the fleshy part of my back and hauled me up in mid-air. It hurt. It was scary. But most of all, it hurt. Period. I couldn't scream because the nerves were concentrating enough on the pain.

Next thing I knew was we were up in the air. The bitch _jumped_ up in the air! The camp fire became a dot underneath. I wanted to scream. I was too in shock for the vocal nerves to come online. I thought the air going down would rip my face off, and my friends would wake up to a horror scene from a Rob Zombie movie.

I practically worshiped the dirt when things stopped spinning.

I took back my laughter. I believed him.

"You humans usually don't believe me unless I do that. Unless you were the nun I interviewed in Sicily five hundred years ago."

I still couldn't say anything. And when I did –

"That was horrifying and fraking _cool_." I have successfully gotten over the induced jump back to Earth.

He chuckled. "First time someone has said that."

I smiled, "But, did you have to take hold of the skin on my back. I'm gonna have a bruise the size of Jay Leno's chin."

He laughed, but changed the subject. "I'm here for some research – for my scholarly work. I finally have some free time, and I picked you."

Wow, really? Wait, this is Michael. The only angel named Michael even mentioned is the one that opened a can of 'whoop-ass' on Satan. Holy shit!

"Hold on, are you THE Michael?"

He lightly smiled, "I am."

Fraking cool! I patted to a patch of dirt next to me by the fire. How often does this happen? _Poof_! An angel wants to interview you! It's better than getting one from Bill Gates! Too bad I'm not in better clothes. She-boxers and a rainbow 'Every Family Matters' shirt. Oh well, can't get what you want all the time.

Let the interview begin.

First thing that came to mind, "Do you look like this all the time?"

"Like what?"

I sighed, "I'm sure you're not 'half-human' or something. I bet your completely different. Your jus' tryin' not to freak me out – or other peeps. Is that true?"

"What do you think?"

"I dunno, you tell me. You're the badass angel here."

He rolls his bright green eyes, "I'm what you human's call 'being incognito.'"

"Really?"

"I can't do my job or scholarly work right if people point and stare shoutin' 'My God! Look!'"

I snort, "Makes sense. It's like 'Angel Camo,' or somethin' from Metal Gear Solid 4. The Angel Sneaking Suit! Coming to a military near you!"

". . ."

Okay, a little over the top with video game reference. "So, if this isn't what you look like – like for real – then what _do_ you look like?"

He upturned his nose, "None of your business. Your eyes would burn off anyway unless you were dead."

I raised my hands in defeat, "Jeez, sorry if I offended you Oh Great Michael of the Flame and Sword."

Glare. ". . ."

Ignore. "So, if you're 'incognito' can you change your outfit?"

"I'm not a suit kinda guy – "

"No! No! that's not what I meant! Like can you change your skin color, eye color, etcetera. . ."

"If I wanted to. Yes. But I prefer _this_" He pointed to himself, "form."

"Co_oo_l. So, can you change. . . well. . . ya _know_. . ."

"Huh?"

I roll my eyes, "Ya know. . . _that_. . ." I pointed down.

If it were ever possible for an angel to turn redder than his hair, he did, "I can't believe you are asking such a _question_!"

"Spill it!"

"Angels don't have genders you pervert!"

It took a second for me to compute, "You guys are _eunuchs_?!"

"Not exactly. When we were created God didn't assign us a 'gender' there are no males or females in the Angel cosmos. Wasn't on God's mind. However, some of us prefer to look more feminine or masculine when we are 'flesh'." He quoted the word with his fingers, "As far as the body parts go: we have _none_."

I guess for payback he stood up and dropped his pants. I stared for a moment, but it's true. _Nothing_! And he wasn't shy at all! Most guys are shy when they _have_ somethin'! He was a fraking _Ken doll!!!_

I smiled evilly, "Can you change into your girl form? Boobs and everythin'?"

He nearly tripped over himself pullin' and zippin' up. "It's not like I have a closet with skin and clothes to change into!"

I snorted and laughed. Time to stop teasing him before he makes a kabob out of me. I need to ask him, since he can make his own 'flesh' forms – if he can't just. . . sew up some testicles?

On to another subject, "But what about your wings?"

"Pardon?"

"Aren't you supposed to have wings?"

"Yeah, there incognito too."

"_Really_?! Where'd they go?" As Oprah would say, "I find that interesting!" Or "fascinating" – which ever she's in the mood for.

". . ."

"_Well_?"

"It's hard to explain. Their like. . . inside."

Sounds like something from a video game I once played, "Can you. . . well. . . take them out?"

"Not unless I want to ruin the leathers."

I laughed, "Haha. . . I guess so. Hold on, how'd you get here?"

"There is some holes in the back that let it come out. Their concealed."

"Are they really like bird wings?"

"They are efficient as such, but not completely. Some of us like the membranes of an insect over a birds – but the more creative ones have a mixture of both. Though, our true forms are totally different. They're not really wings at all."

I nodded, "What's up with the _halo_ business?"

He rolled his eyes, probably expecting such a question, "Man created those. As a symbol of divinity. Not even God has one. But God does have a faint glow around." he took his index fingers and made an outline of his torso, "But that's just from what God _is_ – nothing to do with divinity. A radioactive person has a glow about them."

Kinda thought that. Nothing wrong with making _sure_.

"I'm done answering your questions." he said, "It's my turn. The first thing I want to know is; how were you humans able to create a monotheistic religion, when every other civilization was polytheistic?"

Oh shit, "That's one hell of a question; you should as a scholar about that. I'm the wrong girl to ask."

"I'm asking you." he said in dismissal.

Oh, what to say? "I guess, something original? The whole poly-thing was done before. . ."

He rolled his eyes and scowled, "What kinda answer is that?!"

"Alright! Fine! I guess that deep down the Hebrews believed there was _only one_ God. At least, their spiritual leaders did! Happy?"

". . . Fine. What about _your_ genders?"

Great, payback, "Ugh, great for reproducing?"

"Why couldn't you have been asexual?"

"We aren't amoebas! We are a complex species! – Or that's what the scientists kooks say."

"Some reptiles can reproduce asexually."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, if there aren't any males around, and it only works once. Dicks aren't so bad and boobs aren't so bad either. Depends on who's using them!"

He groaned.

"Well, it's not like ya'll would know about it. Why ask?"

"That's precisely the reason why I'm asking!"

I shrugged my shoulders, "Ask God to hook you up with some testiculars."

He groaned again, "That's a little more than what I expected. But at any rate; what's it like to be, well, fleshy? – Squishy? – Liquidy?"

I blushed a little, "Honey, _babies_ are squishy. Adults are 'firm'. Just because we like, what, 70 percent H2O doesn't mean we are _squishy_ all the time! Feel my stomach!"

I puffed out and lifted my shirt. Exposing my she-pack! He pokes at it lightly with his finger. I held my breath.

"That's your muscles. Your nothing but a tube of compacted water."

I depressed and keeled over in defeat. "At least I'm a good-lookin' tube of compacted water! Humph!"

Silence for a while. The firewood cracked a little.

"With all of my work I've done on you humans, you are by far the most sarcastic and animated person ever."

"Hey, I learn from the best!"

". . . I have to ask though, why do you humans feel that you have to help every one?"

Bing_!_, tough question. "Hey, I can't say for the entire race, okay? Personally, I know I can't help everyone – I help those who I can help. If they don't want any I'll back off. Their's nothing wrong with charity, I just don't give money away. And for one reason: How do I know it's spent on the reason I spent it on? I much rather get on a boat to a third world country and build houses and distribute food. It's an _accountability_ thing. Money won't make a person whose suffering warm at night and have a full stomach. Money helps the government and businesses, not people. And even then it doesn't help."

He hummed in consideration. "Are you saying money is a bad thing?"

"No. Just how you use it. Sure, it get things started but it doesn't follow through. The phrase 'spend wisely' comes to mind. Plus, money is only as good as the government says it is. If. . . for instance, a one dollar bill was worth a hundred dollars tomorrow, great. But, if the very next day it was worth ten cents, well damn I could have gotten me an iPod! Printed money is worse. Printed money with nothing to back it – jeez that's a load of shit."

He hummed in consideration, again.

"What's with the humming?"

He rolled his eyes, "I'm only processing what you've said; and humming shows I am."

"Okay. So, am I a good candidate for your 'scholarly work'?"

"Your certainly one of the most interesting. I don't do this often. Simply because of the gawking I receive. And some are just scared to say something offensive."

"Offensive? Ha! How else is someone supposed to _think_ unless you say something offensive? Besides, you don't seem the kinda guy to skewer me if I do. Not that I'd care."

His narrow face scrunched up evilly, "What if I was?"

"Then, your just gonna hafta explain to the _Man Upstairs_ why you skewered me. God's gonna say, 'Michael! You killed her just because of _that_?! Go sit in the corner to think about what you did!'"

He actually snorted and laughed.

"Then, God's gonna let me spank you with your own sword, and I'll shout, 'Payback's a bitch!'."

He shook his head, "Don't push it."

"Ha! I'll push what I'm _allowed_ to do!"

"Girl, go back ta _sleep_. . ." My face must have looked like someone who got caught necking in their parents couch. Luckily, my friend rolled over and went back to sleep.

I looked at Michael for a moment.

"Sorry. . ."

"It's alright." I said in a lowered voice.

"It's been interesting."

"Glad I was worthwhile. And hey," I lightly punched his shoulder, "feel free to come back any time. It was fun."

He got up to leave, when a thought crossed his face, "Would you like to see?"

I must have looked confused, so he elaborated, "These." He pointed to his back.

I nearly shouted, "Fuck _yes_ I do!" but instead I rummaged through my pack to find my flashlight and stood up in a flash. I was grinning ear to ear.

I followed him into the woods, not far from camp. The fire in my line of sight.

Then I heard a crunching type of sound then a pop_!_ It was like a fucking magic trick! _Poof!_ There they were! And they were fraking _huge_! The Coverts and Alulae were red – the same red as his hair. And the Primaries and Secondaries were a deep midnight black.

I grinned, "You should give me a ride sometime."

He snorted, "Later."

Wooph_!_ Wooph_!_ Wooph-wooph_!_ And after those strong strokes, he was gone.

I _totally_ have to beg him to let me take a ride next time.

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**[1]** _If you live in SC . . . the lizard man is an urban legend. Half man half kooky lizard!!!_

_Just a story that came to me in a whim moment. I actually had a good time writing this story; if you can believe that. It came to me one day – what would it be like to be 'interviewed' by a famous angel? A silly, humorous – yet thought provoking – story. I hope you, the reader, enjoyed._

_No, this story is in no way imposing on your religion. It's called humor. Even God has one. It's what He does in His freetime. (I'm sometimes subjugated to that sort of cruelty.)_

_i would greatly appreiate it if you **would review**. and dare i say it? I'm working on PART DEUX!!_

_and by the way . . . if your wondering (as a photographic reference) as to what michael looks like, look no further!! For i have previously created pictures of him!!_

_here's his portrait original-botticella (dot) deviantart (dot) com/art/ST-Michael-s-Portrait-149419675 _

_and a whoop ass one!! original-botticella (dot) deviantart (dot) com/art/Michael-the-Universe-color-148981481 _


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